Until now. I just discovered the Warrior Goddess training. I fell in love with the quotes I have been seeing on social media. It piqued my curiosity and I bought the book. The first chapter is about Committing to You. Basically committing to myself - loving all of me including the parts I do not like. Discovering the true power of being a Warrior Goddess.
So I thought about it a lot. It's never too late to go through a journey of re-discovering myself. I have always longed of being married, in a long term relationship and getting my self validated because of that. And I did get married, got into a long term relationship -- only to have that longing crash hard to the ground. I had a hard time -- and still having a hard time -- accepting that the man I loved betrayed me and our family. I am still hurting that he chose another woman over his wife to whom he promised to love and honor his marriage vows. He chose another woman over the kids that we were supposed to raise together.
As I go through these emotions of hurting -- I have a choice to make: I can either dwell on it, or choose to be a Warrior Goddess. Yes I am hurting -- but why do I keep on dwelling? What do I miss about my husband? As I think about it -- I miss the man I thought he was. With all the changes that happened recently -- both of us changed. We are not the same individuals now. I can't control him, I can only control myself and how I react to change.
The bottom line of these realizations are -- I will go through a journey of finding my Warrior Goddess within. It's not instant. Whatever is happening right now will not magically go away. I will still have to deal with what life throws at me and I will have to think about it through my Warrior Goddess self.
I want to do this journey. I want to be a Warrior Goddess. I am committing to myself - loving myself. And this starts today.
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I am writing down here the questions on the book and my thoughts about them.
- Do you find your self-worth in how you look, or is your self-worth an inner spring based in your self -acceptance and respect?
Me: Initially yes on how I look as my self worth. I have always wanted to lose weight and stay slim. I have never thought about how I looked after my youngest was born because my husband was there to validate that he will love me no matter how I looked. When my husband left, I started to go on a diet and workout with the hope of his interest returning back. But as I went through my journey of diet and exercise, I have come to realize that my body was actually feeling a lot better doing clean eating. I don't feel lethargic anymore, and I look forward to eating fresh fruits, vegetables and still indulge in meals that I crave once in a while. My body is actually craving the exercises I do every morning. I can feel myself get stronger each day -- I can do the push up's now better when I started 7 weeks ago.
So in a way, I was already nurturing my Warrior Goddess within, even before I started reading the book. :-) - Do you base your value on how well you are taking care of everyone else at the expense of yourself, or do you honor the importance of self-care and loving boundaries?
Me: All at the expense of myself. I started working here in the USA because I needed to take care of my family (this was before I had my own kids). I earn a lot more here and I can take care of them financially, as well as myself. I spent long hours working just to earn every penny so that they don't have to worry financially. It was all worth it, but yes, I do have thoughts every now and then on "What about me?"
When I met my husband and we decided to live together, it was all about pleasing him. I had to get a house that would allow pets because he's bringing his dog. He didn't earn as much as I did so I shouldered all the costs of moving to a house. He switched jobs so many times that I also maintained all the bills and new furniture payments we bought that time. All of that to please him. When all the shit happened with our child, I hired a lawyer to represent us in court. I managed all the payments to the lawyer. I paid for all the expenses including his psych eval to clear out his name. All of these to please him. I never even thought of any self-care and boundaries. I want him to be happy.
So in a way -- his betrayal set me free. His betrayal made me realize I have to take care of myself. I have to put boundaries. I have to set my Warrior Goddess within me free from the jail of making everyone else happy except me. - Does your strength come from how much money you have, how sexy you are, or who you know, or does it flow from your inner peace and resilience?
Me: I can say that it comes from my resilience, not necessarily inner peace. I still struggle with inner peace, honestly speaking. But I have been very resilient with what life has thrown at me. I survived death of a family member (you will never be forgotten, my dear brother), losing our house where I grew up on, shouldering expenses for the whole family, providing support when my sisters had health issues, homesickness as I have to work in another country, being a single mom, leaving my eldest son in my home country while I work overseas, having my youngest one taken into custody by child services and live in a foster home for a few months because my husband "accidentally" broke his leg when he was 7 months old -- and then now my husband abandoning us for another woman. I believe I have gone through what most women have not even experienced at my age.
These made me resilient. These made me strong. I am actually surprised to know that I have been nurturing my Warrior Goddess within through all of these years. :-) - Who are your role models?
Me: I will not mention their names but I do have 2 so far.
1.) There is a colleague whom I admire -- she has 3 kids of her own, 2 step kids from her husband's previous marriage. She has a good career and yet she's able to manage her family! I am in awe! How do you juggle 3 kids, at most 5 in a day, plus be a successful career woman?
2.) One of the managing directors I used to work with -- 4 kids of her own, having a managing director role, very successful career. Again, how do you manage your time with that?
I am not comparing myself with them. I am just in awe. And I am aware now that I will probably meet a lot more role models for me. They will not always be successful career women to whom I can look up and admire.
